THE VALUE OF HONESTY ... IN RELATIONSHIPS
Honesty is a human quality, respect for the truth that we seek and, in a certain way, we demand of the people with whom we share some kind of relationship, be it friends, partner or children. The majority of human beings see it as an important value for human relationships to develop and grow in an atmosphere of trust and harmony. It is a virtue that gives us security and credibility in people, and sometimes even admiration. Sadly, we receive messages that keep us from cultivating this kind of values and bring us closer to a world of appearances and frivolity. Could it be that human beings have evolved (or returned) that now security and trust are provided by other social appearances that are not related to honesty? And if not, why do we have it so forgotten?
We can be honest and direct about our limits in relationships and about the parameters of a particular relationship entails having the courage to ask the most difficult questions and answer them with the truth. These responses include our beliefs, duties, values, responsibilities and stance towards life. If we long for a life of harmony and inner peace it is necessary to be honest with ourselves.
Some of us date someone or do not go out with anyone.
Some of us are living with someone or we would like to date someone.
Some of us would like to have a committed relationship or embark on new relationships after recovery.
Some of us remain within the relationship we had before beginning the recovery.
We also have other relationships. We have friends. Relationships with children, with parents, with the rest of the family. We have professional relationships, relationships with people at work.
We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. In an area where we can be honest and direct is in the parameters of our relationships. We can ask other people to be honest and direct in defining their point of view about their relationship with us.
It causes confusion to be in a relationship and not know where we are standing, whether at work, in a friendship, with family members, or in a loving relationship. We have the right to be direct about how we define the relationship, what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship as well. We have the right to know and to ask. The same them.
Honesty is the best policy.
We can set limits. If someone wants a more intense relationship than us, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about the level of participation we intend to have. We can tell the person what can reasonably be expected of us, because that is what we want to give.
The way the person handles it is his business. Whether we tell it or not is our business.
We can set limits and define friendships when they cause confusion.
We can even define relationships with children, if those relationships have become sticky and exceed our parameters. We need to define loving relationships and what they mean for each forgiveness. We have the right to ask questions and receive clear answers. We have the right to make our own definitions and to have our own expectations. And the same the other person.
Being honest and direct is the only policy. Sometimes we do not know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes, the other person does not know it. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the help of the other person, the sooner we can decide the appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.
The clearer we become to define our relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have the right to our limits, desires and needs. The same the other person. We cannot force anyone to be in a relationship or participate at the level we want if he or she does not want to. We all have the right not to be forced.
Information is a powerful tool, and having information about what a particular relationship is-the limits and definitions of it-will give us the strength to take care of ourselves in relation to it.
Relationships take a while to be formed, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what the relationship is and what its limits are. If the definitions collide, we are free to make a new decision based on adequate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves.
"Today I will strive to be clear and direct in my relationships. If I now have some obscure and ill-defined relationships, and if I have given them adequate time to train, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. My God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my current relationships. Guide me to clarity, to think clearly, healthily. Help me know that what I want is fine. Help me know that if I cannot get that from the other person, what I want is still fine, but it is not possible in the present moment. Help me learn not to give up what I want and need, but give me the strength to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get it. "
Perhaps no other area of our life reflects our uniqueness and our individuality in recovery more than our relationships. And some of us have a committed relationship.